Why am I here?

No, this is not the existentialist, navel-gazing “why am I on planet Earth” question that you are supposed to contemplate on while repeating “Oooom, Oooom, Oooom” and listening to Yanni on your headphones. This is a slightly less existentialist, navel-gazing question of why am I keeping an open diary on Dear Diary.

Background: I was in a chat with two people last night who read the other diary I maintain here that serves as a recap of the doings of our little group in cyberspace. The comment was made that “I don’t see why someone would keep a public diary that anybody could read.” The other person in the chat with us gave us their take, not entirely complimentary, on why people keep diaries here. I certainly wasn’t in a position to defend myself, since the two people I was discussing this with were obviously unaware I keep a Diary here (well, one was obviously unaware of that fact; I’m still not sure about the other). That conversation forced me to consider my motivations for being here, though.

I like getting some of my experiences and feelings down in writing. It helps sort things out, especially when I look back over weeks and months and see where the consistencies and inconsistencies lie. I like keeping a time-line, so that I have a way of checking on when or what exactly I did (the old brain isn’t getting any younger). But I don’t need to do that in an open forum. The traditional gilt-edged vellum tome of blank pages would be quite sufficient for that. If I insisted on spell check, there’s always the computer as well.

I don’t *think* I’m indulging in any exhibitionistic tendencies here. In fact, there are a fair number of entries that are “Private” simply because I don’t want my entire life to be an open book. I don’t *think* I’m trying to show off any particular writing ability or in-depth knowledge or enviable lifestyle. Perhaps, if I were able to take a few steps back from myself, I’d find some evidence of any or all of this. I’m not a particular exhibitionist in real life, but historically I have been quite guilty of attempting to “show off” superior knowledge or abilities. Frankly, that usually turns around and bites me on the butt, since there’s always someone around more skilled and knowledgeable and who would be only too glad to show me up. A few very public instances of that has (I believe) cured me of most of that particular pathetic need (for the most part).

When I started at DD, I justified it because it would give me the opinions of people who were strangers to my world. Sometimes people who are not close to you can see you better than those who are enmeshed in your affairs. And, many times, it has worked that way. But I’ve found that, in addition to the input from people I only know from DD, that I’ve been getting valuable input from at least one person who knows me in real life as well. So that reason begins to get somewhat flimsy as well.

I think I’ve come to understand why I write here, though. It is because it forces me to write things in such a way that a stranger to my life could understand them. It forces me to go past the surface of my reactions, and put down the events and justifications. The entries that are “public” are far more complete than the “private” entries. They force me to confront inconsistencies within myself and to pay attention to my real motivations. Comments from others can spur this process on.

In addition, it gives me a chance to write about things that are inspired by other diarists, in a forum where people will know some of the history about why I write these things. The most recent example of this would be the religion survey from last week. I could have recorded the results of that survey anywhere, and not given another thought to them. But by recording them here, I was asked questions that forced me into a further look, and some further thought about the survey. I came away from that a little smarter, both about the world and about myself.

I don’t know if this is why I started to write here, but it is why I write here now. I think. More navel-contemplation may be required for a definitive answer, though.