Splenda’d

I include this brief update because I know there is inherent humor in it, though I myself shall have to wait for the passage of time to find it.

Sunday, I purchased Jelly Belly jelly beans. They were sugar-free, and fit right in with my diet. They’re also quite good. You’d never know they weren’t the real thing. Sunday I had a few, and shared some with the Socialist, who liked all but the licorice.

Last night was The Socialist’s late night. He doesn’t come home until after 10:00 from his night class that he teaches. I was hungry, but planned to eat with him, seeing as how I’d be out of town for the rest of the week. I poured out a handful of Jelly Bellies to shut my stomach up, and started packing.

The Jelly Bellies didn’t last too long. After I packed I hit the computer, armed with a little custard dish filled with the Jelly Bellies. They lasted a little longer, but not much.

I went downstairs to organize a few things, and nailed another handful of Jelly Bellies on the way. After all, zero calories is zero calories. It couldn’t be constituted as a cheat. By then I wasn’t feeling quite right. I put it down to not eating and nervousness about the trip.

By the time The Socialist got home, my intestinal tract was in complete disarray. I’d already voided everything in it through the distal end, and was now running to the bathroom to expel gas and an odd green liquid every fifteen minutes or so. The Socialist went out to Wendy’s and I went to bed. I still had to spring up every so often to eliminate more strange green liquid, though, and did not get a very sound sleep. Especially after about two a.m., when the gas hit in earnest.

I swear I passed enough gas to inflate a small zeppelin. I don’t know where the hell it was coming from, but it just kept coming. It was bad enough at one point that The Little Grey Shit (who usually sleeps right on top of my stomach) vacated the bedroom.

Six in the morning, time to get up, and I was still squirting and farting. Granted, the squirts were far smaller in volume, but the farts were … shall we say “impressive”? Yeah, I know. Let’s not and pretend we did.

I managed to make the 40 minute ride to work without having to stop, but that’s only because I left directly from the bathroom and went directly to another one. During the course of the morning things have quieted down. In terms of states of matter, I had dealt with solid and liquid, and now only had to complete the gaseous portion of our program.

Which I’m continuing to do with amazing stamina.

Turns out the damnable Jelly Bellies are made with Splenda, and I am in the throes of a Splenda overdose. It ain’t pretty.

Pray for whoever has to sit next to me in the plane.

[This has been an update to Salamander’s Diaryah.]