Salamander’s Quiz

This day is not starting well.

Four o’clock in the morning, I was awakened by a persistent scratching at the bedroom door. I rolled over and ignored it, but it wouldn’t go away. Just to make life more miserable, my kidneys decided to wake up at about the same time as the door-scratching started. Between the call of the Cat and the call of the Bladder, there was no chance of sleep.

I got up and tended to my own needs first (hey, priorities are priorities). Cat, having heard activity inside the bedroom, had redoubled its efforts and from the sound of things was probably about a quarter of an inch through the wood at that point. I opened the door and was nearly bowled over by the Warrior Princess as she made a mad dash to her (empty) food bowl in master bedroom’s bath.

I staggered out to the living room to find the Professor watching “Contact”, a movie we had rented and watched last weekend (and which is probably now overdue at Blockbuster). I asked him whether I was supposed to feed his cat or kill it. He looked at me and said, “What do you mean? WP is right here next to me.” He then points to a vacant space on the floor.

I have to grant you, he grabbed the implications of the situation immediately.

I crawled back into bed, while he fed the Mistress of Demands. He then kicked her out of the bedroom and crawled into bed himself. I was, by this time, fully awake.

“I can’t believe she was that hungry,” he says. “I was giving her pieces of cheese tonight.”

Well, if I hadn’t been awake by that point, that statement would surely have ruined any chances I had of sleep. Even in the dark he must have seen the look on my face, because he continued, “Yeah, I know. She got sick again, but I cleaned it all up. She hardly got any cheese anyhow, and I was just feeding her crumbs. Besides, she was begging for cheese.”

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OK, we take a quick break from our story for this brief quiz. If you have been following the exploits in Salamander’s diary from the beginning, you should find this a cakewalk. If you are a brand new reader, you still are going to have to look hard for a challenging problem in this set.

1. The majority of adult cats in the world

a. prefer Blind Guardian to Dar Williams.

b. have IQ’s somewhat lower than your average geranium.

c. secretly wish that they had learned to play the piano when they were younger.

d. are lactose intolerant.

2. Animals and people who are lactose intolerant:

a. have a built in, natural aversion to milk and milk products.

b. are usually also allergic to strawberries and opera.

c. compensate for it by having pleasant personalities and a giving disposition.

d. are often stupid enough to beg for cheese or eat ice cream anyhow.

3. Signs that a lactose intolerant subject has been feasting on lactose products include:

a. a sudden urge to sing syncopated scat jazz.

b. better eyesight and improved eye-hand coordination.

c. insomnia and bleeding gums.

d. vomiting and diarrhea.

4. Reasons someone would knowingly feed their lactose intolerant cat cheese include:

a. denial.

b. obstinance.

c. the inability to learn from past experience.

d. all of the above.

Answer key: d,d,d,d

Score:

4 out of 4: Excellent. Your cat is one very lucky felid.

3 out of 4: Not bad, but you should take your time with the next quiz and read the questions more carefully

2 out of 4: I foresee rough times ahead for you should you ever get a cat and buy some cheese.

1 out of 4: Don’t buy ice cream and stick to goldfish.

0 out of 4: Don’t have a veterinarian for a girlfriend/boyfriend.

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resuming our story … he continued, “Yeah, I know. She got sick again, but I cleaned it all up. She hardly got any cheese anyhow, and I was just feeding her crumbs. Besides, she was begging for cheese.”

Well, I thought to myself, at least he cleaned it up. The Professor has a BIG problem with vomit and other bodily wastes, and it often falls to me to clean up the nastier results of a sick animal. We talked some more (i.e. he got the lactose intolerance lecture from me again) and about 5:30 I rolled over and tried to get some sleep. I saw 5:45 go by on the alarm clock, but as could be expected, the alarm going off at 6:00 woke me from a sound sleep.

I got up, fed Kitten from Hell and the Clueless Wonder, gathered my stuff, kissed the Prof good-bye, and headed for the door. There, in several very large puddles, were pools of cat barf on the carpet.

The way I figure it, he must have fed her the entire freaking block of cheese.

I stepped over the offending leavings and left for work. I figure the Prof will find them sooner or later.

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Magnetic Poetry Creation of the Day

cat can clean up after itself

I will go and see no evil

repulsive feline

next one will be a puppy