OK, Boo … I’ll bite.

BarnacleBoo’s lateste entry What’s your basic motivation? is making me think. And thinking hurts. But OK, let’s see where I can go with this.

Trying to answer, I instead keep hitting the wall of “I know what I want, but why do I want it?” I find myself giving objectives, not reasons. I want to make a difference at my job. I want to get off my duff and finally write something publishable. I want a self-sufficent life, with money in the bank as a safety net against potential future catastrophes. These could all be construed as motivations, but they arise from something more basic.

I think I need to be perceived as useful. I don’t think I’m happy with myself unless others need me. I have no sense of self-worth that doesn’t stem from someone else seeing worth in me. That can be a powerful motivation.

Perhaps even more than being perceived a useful, I need to be seen as right. “Right” as in not wrong; “right” as in morally correct. The easiest way to get my goat is accuse me of being in the wrong about something. Call my ethics into doubt, question my morality, tell me I’ve taken the low road, and it stings more than anything else you could do to me.

In what I consider a rather ironical twist, it stings rather less if I believe you are correct in calling me out. If I feel someone is accurate in their assessment of how wrong I am, I can feel better by fixing (or at least trying t fix) the situation. However, if I feel I am unjustly accused of having acted unfairly to someone, the motivation to prove it isn’t so can drive me to do some pretty incredible things. It isn’t enought that I be in the right, I have to be seen to be in the right.

All else falls from that. Having a job that has makes a significant difference in the lives of countless people is important because of that. The charitable causes I volunteer to assist with stem from that. Wanting to write and reach as many people as possible stems from that. Wanting to be self-sufficient and not depend on other people stems from that. It’s OK for me to give support, but I have a really hard time accepting assistance. It is good to give. It is bad to take.

Not particularly a noble motivation, is it? After all, it isn’t that I want to do good that motivates me so much as wanting to be seen to do good. I’m not even consistent in how I apply this – I’m allowed to help others, but others are not allowed to return the favor. I try not to think on it too hard. At least good gets done in the end, regardless of why I’m doing it. I’ve only taken a teeny-weeny step towards the Dark Side. At least, that’s what I tell myself most days.

By the way, I see Owl Cam made it as site of the week. I nominated it; I’ve been following the site for years. The guy who runs it does a great job of chronicling the lives these two owls and the broods they raise. You don’t have to be a Nature Boy or Mother Earth type to get a kick out of the site. Do them a favor and bounce over there to check them out and give their site meter a kick in the ass. It’s worth the trip.