Staring at my Navel.
I’m going through the whole “what the hell am I keeping a diary for” phase again. This question has come up to plague me yearly since I started keeping this thing on line. I’ve come up with good reasons in the past. I’m just not sure they were valid reasons. Good and valid aren’t necessarily the same thing.
1. I wanted to get in the habit of writing for myself every day. Well, I did, and I do. But that still doesn’t get down to the basic “why” of things. I gave up any realistic ambitions of being a writer over a decade ago. Anything I write now is only good for my own amusement/amazement.
2. I wanted to keep a record of important life events. Heh … little did I know. My sum total idea of an important life event back in May 2001 was my divorce. What did I write about back then? Dishwashing and sleep schedules. I go through the earliest entries, and there’s so little worth reading there now. Oh, I suppose it’s still a valid window on the life I was living three years ago. But calling some of those entries “shallow” would be a great kindness.
3. To gain an “identity” on Dear Diary”. This is actually the first reason I ever got around to discussing in my diary, and I brought it up within the first month of my writing here. I wanted to be able to leave authorized comments on other people’s diaries, and so needed to establish my own diary so true communication could occur. There were people I was reading, and coming to like. And I wanted to speak with them.
I’ve known quite a few disembodied heads on the web – people who are careful to keep their musings to anonymous hit-and-run quips that can read deep and meaningfully. But it can be like getting hold of a good quote from an unknown source, and then learning that you’ve got the quote completely out of context. If I was going to take my time to say something I wanted to be meaningful, I wanted it to have a context. And this Diary was supposed to do that.
Is any of that the real reason? I can write on paper, keep a calendar, meet and discuss things with people. Why here? Why in this fashion? I’m obviously motivated to do this journaling thing. I’ve kept it up for over three years, counting another journal that is no longer active here on DD, under another name that few know. I don’t like doing something and not understanding my own motivation for doing it.
It suggests to me that I do know the real motivation, and simply don’t want to face it. I’m freaking lonely. I’m nearly 48, and I’m going nowhere. Oh yeah, I have an important sounding job, and go important sounding places and do important sounding things. But if I think I’m making a difference in this life, then I’m one of the best self-deluders I’ve ever met in my life (and that’s saying something).
I have a few close friends, none of who live particularly near to me, and all of who have busy lives that lead them to little free time to spend with me. I have two sisters that take an interest in me only when I’m doing something worthy of their interest, like dying; I can’t even get them to return a phone call on other days. I mean, how pathetic is it when you can’t find anyone to go to the Flower Show with you when you’re paying, for crying out loud?
Oh, don’t mind me. I’m depressed, and in pain, and the damned steroids they’ve go me on to get the inflammation down have me in their indomitable grip again. This isn’t a cry for help. It’s just me with too many drugs in my system.
Just to let you know that all is truly alright, I’m getting $2,555.00 back on my federal income tax, and I owe the state $7.00. So if anyone hears me crying “poor, poor, poor”, slap me with the back of your hand, will you?
I wrote this nearly three years ago. It could stand to be aired out again, and perhaps freshened up a bit.
24 May 2001
There’s an old wife’s tale that a salamander can pass through fire unharmed. In real life, many salamanders can shed their tail to escape danger, essentially giving up a less critical part of themselves to save everything that is important. Salamanders go through a metamorphic life cycle, changing from one aspect to another as they grow.
I have navigated fires, but I’m not sure I’ve come out unharmed, merely changed. I certainly shed my “tail” to escape danger, though I had no idea when I wrote that how symbolic that particular representation of “Salamander” would become. Does it count that I couldn’t regrow my own replacement, but had to have assistence with that? And let’s hope the metamorphosis continues. I can use some more of that in my life.
Interesting. I just realized what set all of this off. I got a request to make updates to Clueless’s diary, and it apparently pushed a button.
My cat is more popular than I am.
for whatever reason you continue to write, i am in awe of your ability to communicate and express yourself so well…
you have a gift, it is always a pleasure to have a cup of coffee and read your thoughts, it is much appreciated by myself. added to that is that you care enough to take the time to see what i am "thinking" now and then…thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me and others.
love, rayne
Great introspective entry.
I have used the same 3 reasons as my own for writing a public journal, but I think the one not numbered, the one about being lonely, is the main reason for a lot of us, whether or not we admit it. With the exception of a few bad apples, as in any community, this place has been a haven of sorts for people like us… people who have thoughts and ideas to share and no one in their "real lives" with whom to share them, for various reasons. We write looking for a connection, a common thread, a validation of our thoughts and words. We read for the same reason.
Whatever the deepest reasons for keeping an online journal, the fact remains that it is a superb tool for self-discovery, for looking back on past entries and seeing how we’ve grown and learned, and for making note of our lives as they progress.
I read that the initial purpose of this site was to provide a place for people to come in later years and read about what people’s lives were like in another time; to read what people like us thought about the events happening in our time. Yours is certainly as good as any (better than a lot) for serving that purpose, and you’ve already commented on how you’ve grown from your entries 3 years ago, when you were consumed with the dirty dishes 😉
Don’t over-think it. Just do it. 🙂
Not going anywhere?
*unzips chest and exposes heart*
You’re right in here.
BTW……you’re an awesome, unselfish, tactful person and you have a great sense of humor.
You have to keep writing, cos I love reading your diary! So there! 🙂
*huggles*
Päivi
Boy I hear ya, Sal, and I will comment even though I wanted to stay out of DD today.
E-community is such a new phenomenon. People don’t get any social censure for going out to volunteer or for going to the senior center or youth club to meet social needs. But we don’t feel "quite right" when we’re meeting those needs of ours, and trying to help meet the emotional needs of others, online. We are pioneers in trying to find out what e-balance is.
I, too, have wondered why I write here. When it gets right down to it, I am not sure that the original motivation is as important as the enjoyment I get from writing.
Whatever your motivations are, I am glad you are here. You are warm, intelligent and funny and I would miss you terribly if you weren’t here.
I also think we all go through periods of asking what point there is to our lives. Only rational, thinking people actually ask that question. I think it is as AussieDeafMan says ‘a reality map’. We are checking out who we are, what we are doing and where we are going with our lives. This gives us a blueprint to stay the course or shift with the wind.
I am sure not much of that makes sense as I tend to babble. Just know that I am glad to have met you, glad you are here, and look forward to reading you in the years to come.
Hugs,
Bobbi
Boy, stuck my foot right in that bean business now didn’t I? *laffs*
really? aww thats so sweet thank you lol. i feel so loved…by a complete stranger! whoo! ahem anyway. im sure ur just being too strong with all the self criticism, and you are much more important to lots of people than you let urself believe.
ahh i no shes cute isnt she? the pic ent all that great….with the whole eyes…but hey
feel free to laugh. I was standing in the front yard yelling "burn you bastard, burn!!!!" and laughing my butt off. And yes, I am sure that was a mushroom cloud I saw just before the flames erupted. I can see it out the front window now, still smokin’ & flamin’. I really should do something about it, I guess but the outside taps are still turned off for the winter and I have no clue where the water hose is anyway. *shrugs* Roasted hot dogs, anyone??
Sorry, not a button I meant to push. The reason I like your feline’s diary is that it is light and airy and funny as Hell. I need the release after dealing with my everyday world. Where as you, I and most of the others writers here relay serious problems in our diaries, their main concern is if they are going to have a squirel to watch today. If it is any concelation I have two little feline girls and they are both more popular than my lady or me. Also depending on where you live I would love to go to the flower show with you and I will pay my on way, I grow roses.
You worry too much, doll.
L. is perfectly fine, I know it’s a long name. Fear not though, I’m working on something easier to type.
Very thoughtful entry!!!
For what it’s worth, I consider you to be a talented writer, and a discerning person. YOu think things through so clearly, then present it with wit and insight. I’m often surprised by your observations and in awe of your self-discipline.
I wonder that you find yourself self-delusional, but I expect you’ve been working on that for long enough that you’re becoming expert at it.
Oh dear, brain fog is settling in. I’m trying to recall…ah, there it is…Buckminster Fuller said something about the closer we get to perfection, the more glaringly obvious, irritating, are the imperfections. I assume that is the space you are at with your self-analysis.
You’ve made a big difference to my life. I don’t get much conversation, being home alone mostly. Being able to read your intelligent entries of your challenges and efforts, enriches my day
thanks Sal, and hugs to you @}—}—-
(hmmm, i think it’s a pity you’ve decided not to be an author)
Um…your cat isn’t more popular than you are because, well, it’s you writing both diaries. :o)~
I promise not to tell anyone. Oh, and you should add both diaries hits together to get your true popularity. See, isn’t that better?
You want a Flower Show buddy? I’ve been intending to go for years and never done it. Call me next time!!!!!
LOL @ Shay!
He’s right, you know. 🙂
I agree with Lilth’s comment.
I’m cheating and just leaving one comment for the last couple of days. I had a good chuckle over the + drug test. I also enjoyed reading the survey.
Shame on your sisters for passing up a flower show.
Well, lady, if I didn’t want to read your diary on a regular basis, I wouldn’t have checked my e-mail during my vacation. ;o)
By the way, I had to pay $20+ to the feds for my taxes, and $80+ to the state. Ick. Never get a paper route in Illinois.
Whatever your reason, I am grateful for the day I stumbled across your diary. I hope that you will continue to find it a rewarding experience. I look forward to your wit, humor, and insight.
Keep writing (please!!!)
~QE
I am here because of you. I don’t mean that in a It’s a Wonderful Life kind of sense, but you are the magnet that keeps me attached to DD. Most of my friends have been virtual for, oh gosh, 14 years? Various bulletin boards, newsgroups & journaling communities. Personally, I truly value the opportunity to meet people I would not otherwise encounter and get to know, particularly at this level. Not only do I like you, but you enrich my life.
"I’m poor, I’m black, I may be ugly and can’t cook… but I’m here!" so says Celie from the Color Purple.
i share those sentiments.
we’re all here looking for a connection, for validation, to show the beauty of our souls, the inside of us (where it truly counts).
and sometimes, to just have a laugh!
smile sweet woman, i know i’ve learned alot from you and your experiences.