There is nothing as affectionate

as a cat with expectations of being fed. The Professor’s cat and I have come to an understanding – I allow him to feed, groom, and worship her and she’ll tolerate my presence at those times when the above three services are not required. The Professor is abed at the moment, and the Warrior Princess has decided she’s hungry. Suddenly I’ve become her favorite person in the apartment. I choose to ignore the fact that it’s because I’m the only concious entity in the apartment. She is doomed to disappointment, though. Ms. Tub O’Lard is on a diet and it isn’t time for her next eighth of a cup scoop. Her affections are making it difficult to type, however. She’d prefer my right hand chucking her chin, or better yet, fetching her bowl.

Yesterday I wrote about my daydream of moving away, starting with a completely fresh slate. Candle (or should it be “candle” – I never know whether or not to capitalize if someone uses all smalls for their name) asked a pertinent question: “What about the professor?” Good question. Remember, this is fantasy we’re talking about here. And in my fantasy, I’m starting out again alone. OK, not alone. I take my cat, the Clueless Wonder, with me. But that’s about it.

What you fantasize probably says something about your reality, but I’m not sure how I’d interpret this fantasy. Do I really want to walk away from my relationship with The Prof? No, not really. So what are my mental wanderings saying?

I spent last night thinking about that. I think all this means is that I’m tired of making things work. Which is something you have to do with any relationship. But I spent a good few years trying to make my marriage work, until I realized that making it work was making me more miserable than admitting defeat would make me. And, the Fates being the cruel jesters that they are, I managed to walk smack dab into another relationship without taking a breather. So here I am, trying to make things work again.

Should I have taken time off for myself before plunging in again? Yes, assuredly. But sometimes the world doesn’t march to your schedule. And I was more afraid of what it said about me if I ducked the chance for another relationship than if I’d plunged head-first into one. Does that make sense? There are days I’m not sure it does, but it is the decision I made, and now I need to see it through.

Caitlan mentions the “rubber” band that serves as the umbillicus to hold us to our original home, regardless of how far we might try to move from it. I’ve never experienced that, so I can’t say anything intelligent about it. I know that, when I was away for my three month internship during school, I never felt homesick. Not once. Maybe three months wasn’t long enough. Or maybe I was welcoming the chance to be on my own, which was something I’d quite literally never had the chance to do in my forty years of life. I guess I’ll find out eventually. I hope I do.

The Professor and I spoke seriously of a timetable for moving back to California last night. (I wonder what precipitated that…?) I know he feels the tug of that elastic band. And what was a pleasurable fantasy for me yesterday becomes a cold weight in the pit of my stomach of logistics and self-doubt today. We spoke of this happening in a year to three years. And I am forced to confront the fact that I probably will never get a job as good as what I have now. And I need to decide what I want to do when we do move. I have the veterinary degree, but I don’t have the experience necessary to practice, especially not on pets, which is the most transportable of the veterinary careers. My health considerations preclude my even considering working with farm animals, which is where the bulk of my hands-on experience lies. I’ve thought of teaching, I’ve thought of writing, I’ve thought of returning to paralegal work (only briefly … THAT will not happen). The only thing that pleases me is the thought of writing. I just don’t know that I could make a living at it.

I have at least a year to find out. So, beginning this weekend, I work on the idea of a novel I’ve had for about six months now. So thanks Caitlan, thanks candle. Your questions and comments are prodding me out of my rut. I don’t know if I’m headed the right direction yet, but you often can’t find the right direction until you try a bunch of wrong ones.

And I hear the Clueless Wonder picking a fight with the Warrior Princess. I’d best go save his sorry neck before she reminds him that she has claws and he doesn’t.