Chore negotiations.
Jamisinc: In the beginning, the deal was that we’d split everything 50/50 chore-wise. That (for obvious reasons) didn’t last too long. The Professor hates cooking. In fact, I’d take it a step further and say he’s intimidated by it. When he lived alone, he ate every meal out, or had take-away. He at first said he’d do some of the cooking, but quickly realized he couldn’t/didn’t want to do that.
It was his idea to do the dishes while I do all the cooking. That was fine with me. I even got the dishwasher fixed so that he wouldn’t have to handwash dishes. All he’d have to do is get them into the dishwasher and then put them put away. He says he prefers to do dishes by hand though, and has never used the dishwasher, though I have on a few occasions.
Last night I tried to tell him that I wanted to “take over” the kitchen. I told him he could do anything else that appealed more to him around the apartment. *He* refused. Said I was already doing too much, holding down a full time job that racked up fifty or more hours per week, cooking all the meals, doing most of the laundry (he doesn’t seem to “get” sorting the clothes, so we settled on me doing the laundry) … you get the idea. He was upset that I didn’t want him responsible for the dishes any more. He swears he’ll change, that the bed will be made when he gets up, that the dishes will be washed before I get home, that he’ll start picking up the slack around the apartment without procrastinating. But he’s doing it because I got upset, not because he wants to. And he’ll end up resenting me for it. I know how this game plays out.
Last night we ended up renting a movie at nine in the evening. We didn’t start watching it until after ten, because he decided that we had to have the sound routed through the stereo speakers, and then he couldn’t find a cable long enough to accomplish that. The stereo equipment had to be rearranged so that the cord he did have would reach.
I really didn’t want to rent a movie. I wanted to go to bed at ten, so I’d get eight hours sleep. But I knew if I went to bed then, I’d be doing it on a sour note, and that he’d end up stewing all night. And I didn’t want to do that to him. I really hadn’t counted on having to hook up the speakers to the VCR, though. The Professor seemed content that the storm had blown over when I finally got to bed, so at least I was able to make him feel more secure. But I can’t keep going through this.
I really don’t want to go home this evening.
Salamander, this is your diary, say what you want, I’m not going to say a word about it myself. I hope things work out for you, 20 years of marriage is a lot to throw away to just get bogged down in the ol’ rut, isn’t it? (((Salamander))).
First, let me say that your Prof sounds a lot like my S. So I know how you feel about the procrastination stuff. Really. It angers me at times too. But, I have to say that we should both know we can’t change them. They are what and who they are, and we love them for it in spite of the irritations. Right? So, let’s think about this… what can we learn from this sort of situation instead of letting it make us angry? Patience? maybe. I think the better lesson is one of relaxation. In the grand scheme of things, the dishes don’t have to be cleared right away. S is like the Prof – they want to relax. I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing you’re like me when it comes to relaxing. It comes AFTER all the work is taken care of. Right? Well, one thing I’m trying to learn from S is that things don’t have to happen immediately. It really doesn’t matter if the dishes sit for a day or overnight or for an hour. What matters most is that you feel good and that you enjoy being together. Right? Try it tonight maybe. Let the dishes sit for an hour. Just an hour. Relax with your boyfriend after eating. For one hour. Then, if you still feel like they have to be taken care of, do it. But wouldn’t you rather spend some peaceful time with him rather than fight over something that really means nothing in the big picture? I’m not trying to offend, believe me, this is very similar to ongoing battles in my own home. But I’m trying to learn from it myself, rather than get upset about it. Relaxation… it’s hard to do but well worth the effort if you can manage to do it.
In alot of ways I am more like the prof and Calvin is more like you. (I don’t leave dirty dishes out or undone as a general rule though.)So in a way I can see both sides. I think it is time for the chores to be rearranged. Since the dishes being done is important to you and hinders you relaxation why not switch jobs. You do the cooking of supper and the clean up and let him take over something else that you are doing now? That’s just an idea.
Jami
I didn’t mean to make it sound like it was about you… though you did somewhat "inspire" me to write that last entry (along with a host of other people)… hope you don’t mind. I didn’t want to upset you with it.
Maybe the best solution for you two is to live in separate dwellings…? 🙂
Don’t worry, candle. I wasn’t upset. Just trying to take deep breaths and take a few steps back. I was an "enabler" once, and let somebody ride roughshod over my life. I’m being an enabler of sorts again, and going out of my way to make it easy for someone to take advantage again. There are ways to fix it without breaking it, or at least try to fix it without breaking it. I’ll work on it, but I have to be met halfway.
YOur Prof sounds so much like me when Erin and i first got together.
i can’t say for sure exactly what happened, but i did finally realize tat i needed to get things done, and that they were important for more reasons than just "Erin wants this done."
He may resent you for it at first, but he *has* to learn…we all do. Eventually he’ll come around, hopefully sooner than later.