Freakus controlus
In his updates of today, AussieDeafMan speaks of researching control freaks. My own observations of Freakus controlus may be of some limited use.
Control freaks come in several different subspecies. I have had the dubious pleasure of having four of these subspecies competing for space within my own work environment. They seldom herd together, although they may occasionally combine forces when hunting smaller prey. They will just as happily hunt each other as they will hunt non-controlus species though.
I used to have a Freakus controlus micro-manageus in my place, although his branch of the corporate tree was recently pruned off. Micro-managers are perhaps one of the most aggravating of the varieties because they are constantly in your face and telling you the best way to handle things that they themselves have never dealt with before in their lives. There is usually at least one Freakus controlus micro-manageus in any corporate setting. If one should migrate to another environment, its absence usually leaves a vacuum that attracts another micro-manageus. Observers at this outpost have been waiting for a new micro-manageus for well over a month now. The dynamics of the interaction of all corporate species are profoundly impacted by the arrival of a new micro-manager, and the resulting behaviors can be fun to watch, assuming that the observer himself does not become drawn into the action.
Freakus controlus magmus also reside in our building. This subspecies can also be a real pain in the neck. These heavy-hitters of the Freakus controlus species tend to control from great heights. Also named the Grand Pubah, they are seldom seen, though their droppings litter the forest floor in-bins below them. Close examination of these droppings tends to reveal some strange inconsistencies in the Grand Pubah’s diet habits. For example, they never seem to want the same thing twice. When confronted on this issue, they never seem to remember anything other than their last meal, and will often completely deny eating anything found from any prior droppings.
The most frightening of the species is Freakus controlus bizarrus. Fortunately few in number, these are the true Mad Hatters of the Freakus genus. Chameleon-like in their ability to blend, they seem perfectly adapted to their environment most of the time. At odd intervals however, and with no prior warning, the Freakus controlus bizarrus will suddenly drop their camouflage and come crashing down upon you, as the Tyrannosaurus rex must once have done to poor baby Stegosauruses. When bizarrus does break camouflage, it is almost invariably near the end of a long, tedious project, resulting in changes that require hours of work to be completely trashed and/or reworked. Folklore has it that the bizarrus subspecies is female only, and that their weird mood swings are hormonally driven. Research has revealed that there are indeed male members of this group, however, casting doubts on the parthenogenesis theory of reproduction that has been often ascribed to bizarrus.
Most of my dealings in my native environment have been with Freakus controlus territorialis. There has recently been some debate if this species has been correctly categorized, with some experts observing that due to their behavior patterns they would be more appropriately grouped with the species of Petty thieves (Crookus vulgarus). My own feeling is that, while these creatures do habitually steal from others, their pattern of theft is more inspired by the need to dominate than it is by the need to possess. Since the need to dominate is at the very heart of the definition of Freakus controlus, I feel that for the time-being the subspecies territorialis is best left in its current classification. Freakus controlus territorialis is unique in that it seeks to control a territory by owning it, rather than by bossing around the other species. It tends to share its territory poorly, preferring to control by possession rather than by command. The territorialis is the pack rat of the Industrial Kingdom, stealing from the other species desks and hording the rewards of such theft in their own desk. Sometimes the territorialis will replace a stolen project with one of lesser value, but more often the project is taken with no recompense whatsoever.
Some days I feel I really should have gone into the behavioral sciences instead of veterinary science.
Inspired indeed!
I would like to suggest also that freakus controlus ignoramus is a common subspecies,
seeking to hide their own lack of grey matter by imposing their intellectually-challenged will on others, thus establishing their desired dominance in the only way possible.
Cheers
_|m/ ADM
Wow, I didn’t know that there were so many different kinds of control freaks. I just always thought of them all as the same people.
Hugs and Luv
*Some days I feel I really should have gone into the behavioral sciences instead of veterinary science.*
I don’t know if you should have or not, but you do exhibit a marked apptitude for this entertaining work.
My mother is a hybrid of the *Freakus controlus micro-manageus* and the *Freakus controlus magmus.* Her s/o is of the species *Freakus controlus bizarrus.* One can only be grateful that she is beyond her fertile years. Were the there be a hybrid of the three sub-species, I would fear for the safety of all other species.
~Cali
this is classic!
After reading your enlightening entry, I can now rest in the assurance that I know the species of the freakus controlus I worked for last summer. I am pretty sure I was dealing with a freakus controlus minutiatus puppeteerus.
A rare one indeed wouldn’t you say?
I base this classification on it’s habit of standing behind me directing the typing of a template and saying these words, "That dividing line needs two more spaces…. followed by, "My name should be above Dr. So and So’s name."
I still think it’s a miracle that my head did not explode that day. You don’t want to get that close to one of these creatures. The vibrations from their freakus gland can scramble your brain.
I am lucky I got out alive!
Y.
PS….. Great entry! LOL!
You forgot to mention that there are two separate families of freakus controlus. There are freakus controlus major, who must be in control of every aspect of their life. There are also freakus controlus minor, who only tend to be controlling of one or two aspects of their lives.
I, admittedly, fall into the second category. While willing to let life swirl about me uncontrolled for the most part, there are one or two things that send me into a tailspin if I’m not controlling them.
Alli
"You forgot to mention that there are two separate families of freakus controlus. There are freakus controlus major, who must be in control of every aspect of their life. There are also freakus controlus minor, who only tend to be controlling of one or two aspects of their lives. "
Recent studies indicate that, rather than these being separate families, these are merely subspecies of the same genus. Indeed, there is debate now over whether or not these should be considereds pecies, or simply different subspecies (also known as "breeds"). Apparently environment and genetics have a complicated interplay in the development of a Freakus controlus. Since most Freakus controlus seem to be capable of interbreeding, that would suggest that they are subspecies only.
Along these same lines, identical twins can often display different control tendencies, further leading most taxonomists to believe that there is indeed only a single family. Still, the debate rages on. Further advancements in genomic research should reveal additional insights on this topic.
Permission to print this off and send it (anonymously, of course) to the freakus controlus types I know??
You have certainly given me my laugh for the day.
Simply Brilliant.
You crack me up!! What a great entry. I think I’ll copy the link and send it to Bruce. I know we can both put actual faces to several of these.
What’s more, I think this needs to be an Entry of the Week!
Hugs,
Ani
((((SAL))))
I love this =)
Good Lord. I feel so much pressure now!
But what happens if my raisins don’t float?
🙂
Y.
Congrats on making entry of the week!
Adn this was simply amazing! I worked with all those types when i was workgin at Arby’s…. *shakes head* thank god I’m outta there! lol
But anyways, great entry! this is One I"d liek to keep for my little lonesome! lol.
haha good work with the control freaks, v amusing. calafornia dreamings a good song isnt it?! im going to download it sometime. um…but not illegally…
You’ve done it, you have successfully identified the species of Boss #2 -Freakus controlus micro-manageus. Which, by the way also supports your theory that there must be one in every organization. In an office of 5, we have our very own. Although, most days I can think of worse things to call him
~QE
Hey there, congrats, entry of the week, wow.
Love,
Star
Our evil plot worked!
Entry of the Week!
Heh, heh…..
Y.
This should be posted in every business office in the country!Thanks for the laugh.
Lord, help us
hahaha!! super, super stuff!! i agree that this should be put up in offices everywhere. congrats on entry of the week, this work of art could not deserve it more!
Thank you for slapping me upside the head. I have to drop some urine off at my vets later.. Im pretty sure Copper may have a bladder infection–dark coloured urine– (which I think is only part of the problem). I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner.
Thanks
~Wolf
By the way, what do you know about Uvitis or honer syndrom? (prolly spelt both of those wrong) Both eye related problems.. and it would have been bilateral. If it’s aight that I pick your brain.
Entry of the week!
Way to go Sal!
Freakus controlus/
Hey! I married one of those!
Congrats on the entry of the week!
I didn’t really know that there is so many different kinds of control freaks out there!
What a great entry, so well written and very much deserving to be Entry of the Week.
I doubt any of these species would recognize themselves.
When I was getting my pre-vet requirements, I failed the test in my first biology class on classification….
Oh, well.
Excellent entry though, shows alot of creativity.
~Jae
This is sheer brilliance! And so right!
Can you do a presentation on one of my least favourite creatures……. the Evil Battle-Axe-imus………. otherwise known as "Step-Mother"?
Hugz,
Sash ~^~
This is wonderful! I love it, I love you for writing it. I’m laughing harder than I have in a very long while and people in the university library are staring at me in an alarmed manner.
Genius! and Desevedly Entry Of the Week.
Rach xx