Dem Bones
OK, so the Prius cost me $600. Who knew that if you left the gas cap loose (something I’ve never done before, and didn’t do this time on purpose) that it would cost $120 just to reset the stupid computer? With the 60,000 mile work and inspection/emissions, there went that wad of cash. Additionally, I’ve just found out that my PUVA treatments are going to cost me $25 each, three times a week for at least the next two or three months, maybe longer. My monthly meds cost almost $150 in the last four weeks. My sizable Fed rebate went almost entirely to catch up my share of the mortgage payments, with April’s looming nigh.
I continue to require small amounts of insulin on a daily basis. Additionally, I’m still taking essentially the same quantity of meds that I was released from the hospital on a month ago. I have some valid reasons for believing my kidneys are starting to show damage from the medications (I get that checked out Tuesday). I get blood tests on a weekly basis to assess the status of my liver, and I have doctor’s visits booked through the rest of the year into next January. I still have the bruise from last week’s blood test in the crook of my left arm, with a nice bruise from yesterday’s rising in the crook of my right arm. The insulin needles leave bruises as often as not, making me look like a refuge from an S&M party. All that’s lacking is the “Kick Me” sign on my ass. I’m partially convinced the Universe has hung one there, and I just haven’t found it yet.
Mortality is a concept that begins to take flesh in my mind. There’s a difference between knowing that everybody dies eventually, and knowing you’ll die eventually. I can’t say I’m bothered by it, but I am bothered by the fact that I have accomplished nothing of great import in my life and now realize I am likely never to do so. Somehow that surety I had as a kid that I was going to do something great when I grew up has vanished, leaving a bit of void in my soul. I believe in myself far less these days.
I’m tired of coping. I’m tired of putting the brave face on, and joking with casual companions that there’s nothing really wrong with me. It’s a well-polished shtick I have. “I just do it for the attention. If you ignore me, then it’ll get better, and my body will have to come up with something else.” Keep it easy. Keep it friendly. Never look like you’re taking it seriously. Human contact depends of Disney-fying the truths. Everything is easier to take when it comes wrapped in a joke with anime eyes.
Friday is my “eleventh birthday”. Eleven years since this stack of dominoes started toppling. The idiopathic cardiomyopathy is connected to the heparin allergy. And the heparin allergy is connected to the paradoxical thromboembolisms. And the paradoxical thromboembolisms is connected to the Budd Chiarri. And the Budd Chiarri is connected to the liver transplant. And the liver transplant is connected to the immunosuppressants. And the immunosupprssants are connected to the lymphoma.
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
OK, I give up. How does leaving the gas cap loose mess with the computer?
I’ve got masking serious situations with humor down to a science. Between #1 and #2 I’ve had more situations to find humor in than I ever thought possible.
You remain in my thoughts,
Alli
I’ve been thinking about you a lot the last few days. I hope you aren’t physically in as much pain as I fear you may be.
You are right about censoring yourself to ensure human contact. Everyone wants the sugar coated version when they ask how you are– even family and some of the medical support team.
I offer my sincerest best wishes for your speedy and total recovery.
Isn’t just living in this world an achievement? Surviving pregnancy, childbirth, infancy, childhood, school years, teen years, adult years.
Most people I know dying just make the most of their last days in terms of doing the things they wanted to do – just getting on with their normal life for as long as possible, spending time with friends and loved ones.
That’s what I’m doing. I’ve been told when I’m supposed to be dying, so I’m just going to concentrate on making the rest of my years better than before.
I want to be around long enough to see my kids grow up into independent adults with their own lives.
My own dalliances with mortality have always been "aww, F**K!" kind, usually as I fly through the air toward a hard landing, not the long slow watching it happen that you’ve had to deal with, so I can’t say what I’d do in your shoes. But there is that list I have in my mind. Do you have one? Can you do any one thing on it? I’ve started ticking things off every time I get any chance, and it has enriched what time I do have. Maybe even a spring picnic at Longwood Gardens with your pals.
Re: Lymphoma? Did I miss something? I thought you had a skin thing. Oy vey.
I didn’t know about the gas cap thing, either, till I got my most recent car. Fortunately, I learned (twice) while the car was still under warranty so I didn’t have to pay frickin’ $120 each time.
The faces we have to put on things seem to take an inordinate amount of energy sometimes. I’m amazed you do it as well as you do. You’ve always made being witty look easy. That’s probably a curse because now people expect it of you, or at least you think they do. It’s okay to let us know it’s not easy.
I think being loved by many people, including some who have not yet been fortunate enough to meet you in the flesh, is something of great import. And you have certainly achieved that.
{{{Sal}}}
No, I didn’t think felting was necessary. The thing is light as a feather…
I have a friend who has to take a lot of meds too and the cost is just plain scary…
;-(
RYC: The funniest thing about that $8 charge is that it was forgiven and then AT&T thanked me for selecting them as my "new" carrier. And guess how they *thanked* me? That’s right, they charged me $8!
*sigh*
Corporate America, gotta love ’em. Not.
Lymphoma? Did I miss something too? I know I am out of the loop so I glanced back thru your diary (at 02:00 no less!).
I would say getting your DVM is a huge accomplishment. What about all the volunteer work you do at the animal shelter? You have made a difference in many animals lifes who need(ed) you. Especially the Little Gray Shit. 🙂
I wish we lived closer.
Hello. Just checking in to say I hope you’re doing all right.