This is why I wasn’t meant to have friends ….

I suck at making friends. If I were forced at gunpoint to invite all my close friends within a fifty-mile radius to a dinner party, I’d call both my sisters (and that would be stretching the truth with one of them). In everyday life I seem to attract needy people, I think because I’m better at listening than at making conversation and needy people need to talk. I’m a good listener up to a point, but eventually it wears thin and I find reasons to duck the person until they take offense and move on to their next victim.

The rest of this entry is me venting because I really have no one to vent to, which makes me a needy person who has already driven everyone off, so feel free to suddenly recall that dental appointment you have in fifteen minutes and log out.

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My closest friend lives upstate. We met in vet school; she was the classmate who kept me from being the oldest person in our class. For the last decade-and-a-half we’ve gotten together once or twice a month and texted each other a little more often than that. We share most of our belief systems, and kept each other from going too insane. A few years ago she unexpectedly lost her significant other of over three decades. A year ago she began seeing another man who had been her flying instructor for many years.

The dynamic between us changed. She and I haven’t done anything as just the two of us since they started seeing each other. Even when all we’re doing is meeting at the mall to window shop and grab a meal, the New Guy comes along. I’ve found it awkward, but assumed it was just the new relationship stage of things and that eventually he’d find something else to do rather than join us as we looked at clothes and expensive jewelry that we had no intention of buying.

I don’t like the guy very much, but there’s no law that says I have to. His political, religious and social opinions are at right angles to my own, and I have the niggling suspicion he doesn’t like me much. There’s no law that says he has to like me either though, and we’re perfectly polite while in each other’s company.

Two nights ago my friend texted to ask if her boyfriend could use me as a reference to apply for a gun license. She knows that I am strongly for more gun control. She knows that I only know her boyfriend from the half-a-dozen times we’ve dragged him through the mall. I have no reason to think Boyfriend is a danger to himself or others. But I am thoroughly uncomfortable with providing any such reference. I texted her back this morning, apologizing for taking so long but letting her know of my discomfort and that I wondered why he wasn’t asking one of his friends who knew him better and longer. I stressed that I wasn’t saying “no’, but that I didn’t even know if he wanted the gun for hunting or for personal protection.

I don’t know if I’ll hear back from her.

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There’s a woman I met while working as a pharmacy assistant and looking for a job as a veterinarian. She’s smart, competitive, and needs to prove that she’s a harder worker with more health issues than anyone else. She took a shine to me partly because I have a professional degree and partly because she could compete with who had more health issues and who was more oppressed by our job.

I’m not making light of her health issues. A botched appendectomy a few years ago left her with generalized lymphedema, so her face, arms and legs are noticeably bloated. She has severe arthritis and is on some heavy-duty drugs to control both the inflammation and the pain. She’s got a heart block that gives her irregular rhythms that is only partially controlled with medication. She’s on medication for high blood sugar. And she’s just been diagnosed with stage two endometrial cancer and had a hysterectomy a little over three weeks ago.

She doesn’t have a computer and doesn’t really believe in phone calls. She does believe in texting, and I have been caught up in exchanging texts with her for over an hour at a time. I’ve explained to her that I do not have unlimited texting and that this costs me. I’ve explained to her that she can call me anytime. I’ve told her in the middle of one of these texting marathons that I really need to sign off so I can get other work done. I’ve explained to her that I go to bed at 9:00pm so it’s best not to text me after that time. I might have well just explained this to one of my cats.

I’m a terrible person because I know she’s going through a crisis and I simply can’t be there for her the way she needs. I never really felt the connection with her that she has with me, and while I can listen to her and sympathize with her and discuss her problems with her, I don’t get any of that in return and am exhausted after one of our encounters.

I am between and betwixt about how to handle her latest crisis. It will make me a better person for taking the time to be there with her. I’m going to have to live with myself if I blow her off over this. But I’ve just been diagnosed with diabetes. I went through an episode of liver rejection in May. I have been going through diagnostics to determine the underlying reason for some debilitating diarrhea I’ve had for over a year. I don’t get to talk to anyone (except my doctors) about my health. And this woman will only take it as a challenge if I even mention any of this to her. So I continue to text support and information and grit my teeth and think about whether being for gun control means I can’t buy a firearm to blow my brains out.

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And then there’s my new boss. Literally half my age, she’s smart, confident, and was hired straight from private practice with no industry or USDA experience to take charge of one of the more difficult establishments in our circuit. When she started I admired her for ability to stay calm under fire.

Five months later my admiration is starting to develop some worn patches. I come into work 45 minutes early because of my workload. She comes in on time. I usually stay late because of my work load, and it isn’t unusual for me to put in 50-hour weeks (and not unheard of for me to do 60-hour weeks). She leaves as soon as she can. And yet, without getting into complicated explanation, it is probable that my days will have to start at 5am instead of 6:45am in another week’s time.

Until now the early start days alternated between the person holding her position and me. She knew this coming into the job, but then immediately found a subordinate (who left for a new job on Friday) to cover her days (and was covering my days too because he needed the overtime). Now that he’s gone Boss has offered to “help me out” by covering one morning a week for me. And I only got that much out of her because I’d been badgering her for weeks that we have to discuss early morning coverage once staffing changes, and finally called her out on it in front of co-workers.

She has also recently started complaining to anyone who will listen that nobody understands how understaffed we are and how stressed she is. We are indeed incredibly understaffed, and our district office is dragging its feet over hiring. My patience with her wears thin, because she isn’t doing all the extra work singlehandedly, and yet doesn’t acknowledge that anyone other than herself is affected.

I broke my “no office friendships” policy by agreeing to meet her after work for a drink or dinner every couple of weeks. It’s turned from “no talk about the office” to me listening to her gripe. I remember now why I had the “no office friendship” policy, and unable to do anything but suck it up now.