The Charity of Night

Bruce Cockburn on the CD player, pacing the cage. The Socialist makes a point of pronouncing the “ck” in “Cockburn” (it’s properly pronounced Coe-burn). He does it just to annoy me. I suppose I’m cute when I’m annoyed. Never-the-less, I tend to play Cockburn’s music when the Socialist is out teaching, just to avoid getting my buttons punched.

Another check-up at Big City Hospital today. It was entirely perfunctory. I feel like a component on a conveyer line. Front desk, wait, phlebotomist, wait, blood pressure and temperature, wait, get called to an exam room, wait, see the doctor go for an all time check-up record, and finally get ejected to the waiting line where they collect your co-pay and arrange for you to do it all over again at some future date. I understand that this is because I’m doing so well – that there’s sick people in there that need the doctor’s time far more than I do.

And yet I still resent it. I want to scream sometimes, “I’m sick! I’ve had a major operation. I’ve had a transplant! Pay attention to me!” Ironic that I should want to cling to being sick, when they’ve gone and healed me.

Then afterward, I had my first post-transplant visit to the dentist. In a word, ugh. I’ve been bad. The entire time I was in the hospital I failed to take care of my teeth, and when I was first home I was sketchy at best with the brush and floss routine. As I started feeling better, I got back into the routine, but the damage had been done, and I needed more attention than I usually do. I was a bit of a celebrity at the dental office, which salved my damaged I-want-attention-from-a-doctor ego a bit. I’m not their first transplant patient by a long stretch, but I’m their first liver transplant patient.

My intention was then to go home and vote. There’s an important question on the ballot for our state that, if it passes, will make it possible for children to testify by video tape instead of having to go into a court room in front of the person who may have abused them. It’s been a bit controversial, but I feel it is just and necessary to protect these children from further harm. To my shame, I didn’t make it to the polls however. If the proposed amendments aren’t passed, I’m going to feel sick at myself. It’ll be the fault of people like me if they fail to pass.

I have two large red welts on my arm, on either side of where they took blood today. Wonderful. I’ve apparently developed an allergy to the Band-Aids.

My, we are in a pissy mood tonight, aren’t we?

*sigh* The Socialist just came in and caught me listening to the Cockburn CD. At least he got creative this time … it wasn’t the usual name abuse, but a whole new epithet he’s invented.

Why do I bother?