Never the same

Your life is never the same, you know. They don’t talk about that when they give you the “this is what you should expect” speech. They tell you about the scar you’ll have, and the drugs you’ll take, and the things you will and won’t be allowed to do. But they make it sound like you’ll heal, and then everything will pretty much fall back into place. That little awkward bit about what has to happen in order for your own little private miracle to occur? That never gets mentioned.

Yeah, I’m still on about anniversaries. “All her life has she has looked away… to the past, to the horizon. Never her mind on where she is.” I know, a paraphrase, and poor one at best. But I don’t think there are many quotes out there that describe exactly how heavy a weight survival can be.

Sounds ungrateful, doesn’t it? That, of course, simply wraps another layer of guilt around me. Guilt I lived. Guilt someone else died. Guilt that there isn’t gratitude enough to make it feel right.

That’s just some days, of course. I do know the counter arguments. The boy’s death was not my fault, and my survival gave some meaning to an otherwise meaningless tragedy. I hope it feels that way to his mother, here on the second anniversary of her son burning to death. I hope her dreams are better than I suspect mine will be tonight.

Nope. They don’t warn you about this part at all.

This Day, Last Year

I Got the Call

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  1. Wow, how two years flies by! I’d wish you a happy anniversary, but I don’t think that would help much. I don’t have the right words, either. I’m sure that you donor’s mother does, indeed, find the idea that part of her son lives on in you and any others his organs might have helped. I wish I had something more profound to say.



  2. *~Salamander~*

    Thats strong. I hope everything goes okay and I’m sorry about this boys death. But everything happens for a reason and you live and learn from the tragedy. Yes, its sad when someone young or even older loses their life, but its a triumph from those who live because they learn and learn to live.


  3. Even though I KNOW all the things that I am inclined to say to you to reassure and comfort you are TRUE things…

    …if I were in your shoes, I probably would feel exactly the same way you are feeling.

    Hopefully Sal, and soon, too, you will meet someone a few more years farther down the line post-miracle than you are, someone who *has* felt all the feelings that have to be felt, and, having given the Feelings the space they needed, is once again being ruled by Reason. At peace.

  4. ” how heavy a weight survival can be ”

    If I were the boy’s Mother the weight of grief would have been lifted by knowing a part of my son has gone on living.

    You go on, explore that life.

  5. You know, I read this entry right after it came out and couldn’t think of any profound or comforting to say…days later I still can’t, except to agree with Lilth.

    Don’t ever think you aren’t worthy of such a gift.

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